There comes a point when men have to stop looking around the room for somebody else to blame. Men, it’s our fault. Not every crime, injustice or terrible thing that has ever happened, and certainly not every individual man. But if we are willing to accept the privileges that have historically come with men holding most of the power in governments, corporations, religious institutions, universities, militaries and families, then we also have to look at what men have done with that power and what we have allowed to happen around us.
The Allegations We Cannot Ignore
The allegations surrounding seven former or current Cornell University students should make us take that look. A former Cornell student filed a civil lawsuit alleging that seven members of the Chi Phi fraternity sexually assaulted her during a night in October 2024 after she consumed alcohol and drugs. The allegations remain allegations. No court has determined the seven men named in the lawsuit to be criminally guilty. The Tompkins County District Attorney initially declined to bring criminal charges but reopened the investigation in September 2026. Cornell says its disciplinary process resulted in sanctions that included expulsions and suspensions.
The legal process will determine what happened in that case, but there is a much bigger conversation we need to have. Whenever allegations like these become public, the conversation quickly turns toward the woman. What was she doing there? Why was she drinking? Why did she go upstairs? Why didn’t she leave? Why didn’t she report it immediately? Instead of looking at the behavior of the men involved, we start examining everything the woman did.
The Excuses We Make
We have become very good at making excuses for conduct we would never want inflicted upon our mothers, daughters, sisters or friends. “She shouldn’t have been drinking.” “She knew what kind of party that was.” “Boys will be boys.” “He was drunk too.” “She went there willingly.” “He’s a good kid who made a mistake.”
A woman can make a bad decision without giving up her humanity. She can drink too much and still deserve protection. She can walk into a man’s bedroom and still have the right to walk out untouched. She can change her mind. She can say no. If she is incapable of giving consent, her condition is not an opportunity for someone else to take advantage of her.
Our Silence Is Part of the Problem
Terrible behavior rarely develops completely in private. Somebody heard the story. Somebody saw how he treated women. Somebody heard the joke. Somebody watched his behavior at the party. Somewhere along the way there was probably a man who knew something was wrong and decided it was easier to stay out of it.
That man may never commit an assault or hit a woman. He may consider himself a good man. But sometimes being a good man means doing more than simply not being the person causing harm. It means saying, “That’s enough.” It means pulling your friend aside. It means getting an intoxicated woman somewhere safe. It means refusing to laugh at the joke. Too many of us have convinced ourselves that if we are not personally doing something wrong, whatever happens around us is none of our business.
Men also give other men a lot of room. We call aggression confidence, recklessness masculinity, cruelty toughness and domination leadership. When one of our friends crosses the line, we become his defense attorney. “He didn’t mean it like that.” “You know how he gets when he’s drinking.” “That’s just him.” “He made a mistake.”
There are mistakes, and there are choices. Some behavior is too serious to simply call it a mistake and move on. Friendship should not mean protecting another man from the truth. Sometimes being his friend means being the first person willing to tell him he is wrong.
The Problem Is Bigger Than Sexual Violence
This conversation cannot end with sexual violence. For most of recorded history, political, military, economic and religious power has largely been in the hands of men. Kings, presidents, generals, corporate leaders and religious leaders have mostly been men. Men have made many of the decisions about when armies go to war, who controls land and property, who has political power and who does not.
That does not mean women are incapable of cruelty, corruption, violence or oppression. Of course they are. But when one group has historically controlled most institutions, we cannot talk about the systems those institutions created without talking about who controlled them. We cannot celebrate men for building civilization and then disappear when the conversation turns to the parts of civilization that are broken.
Men built governments, armies, corporations, financial systems and laws. Men controlled property, drew borders and created institutions. Wars have been fought over land, resources, money and power. Racism has been written into laws and economic systems. Sexism was built into rules that kept women from voting, owning property, receiving an education, holding certain jobs and fully participating in public life.
Throughout history the language changed, but too often the basic idea stayed the same. Somebody had to be on top and somebody had to be underneath. Then we found reasons to explain why that arrangement was acceptable.
Maybe Our Definition of Strength Is Wrong
Men have been taught that strength means control. Control your household. Control your woman. Control your employees. Control the room. Maybe we have spent too little time teaching men that real strength also means being able to control ourselves.
There is strength in restraint. There is strength in walking away from violence and admitting when you are wrong. There is strength in hearing “no” and accepting it. There is strength in seeing someone who is vulnerable and not taking advantage of that vulnerability. There is strength in challenging another man and changing your mind when you realize something you were taught was wrong.
Stop Asking Women to Fix Men
Every time men behave terribly, we give women another list of things they need to do to protect themselves from us. Watch your drink. Don’t walk alone. Don’t dress that way. Text when you get home. Don’t trust strangers. Don’t trust friends too much either.
Of course everyone should take reasonable precautions. But imagine if we put the same energy into teaching boys about boundaries and consent that we put into teaching girls how to avoid dangerous situations. Imagine fathers talking to their sons about consent as seriously as they talk about sports. Imagine older men correcting younger men when they hear them degrading women. Imagine a group of friends seeing an extremely intoxicated woman at a party and making sure she gets somewhere safe instead of allowing someone to take advantage of her.
We Need a Different Kind of Man
The answer is not teaching men to hate themselves. Masculinity does not need to disappear. It needs to grow up. Courage, strength, ambition, leadership, protection and discipline can all be good qualities. But without character, those same qualities can become dangerous.
Strength without morals can become intimidation. Leadership can become control. Ambition can become greed. Power can become abuse. None of those things should be confused with being a man.
Boys watch us long before they listen to us. They watch how we speak to women, how we handle rejection and how we treat people who cannot do anything for us. They watch what makes us laugh and what we are willing to tolerate from other men. If we make excuses for bad behavior, they notice. If we stay quiet because speaking up might make the room uncomfortable, they notice that too.
What We Allow Becomes Part of Us
The allegations involving the Cornell students will move through the legal system. The evidence should be examined. The accused are entitled to due process. The woman who brought the allegations deserves to have them taken seriously and thoroughly investigated. All of those things can be true at the same time.
Whatever ultimately happens in that case, men should not miss the bigger question. What kind of culture are we creating when another man’s bad behavior becomes none of our business until it becomes a headline?
When your friend is about to hurt someone, it is your business. When another man humiliates a woman in front of you, it is your business. When racism is disguised as a joke, it is your business. When cruelty is treated like strength, it is your business. When someone uses his power against somebody who cannot defend themselves, it is your business.
Men have occupied a lot of seats at the tables where the world has been shaped. We cannot take credit for everything that was built at those tables and pretend we have nothing to do with what was broken there.
Where We Go From Here
Men, a significant part of this is our fault. That does not mean men are naturally bad. It means we have inherited some ways of thinking about power, women, strength and manhood that need to change.
We do not need another generation of boys believing that controlling people makes them men. We need men who can hear “no” and accept it. Men who can walk away. Men who can control themselves. Men who can challenge their friends. Men who can admit when they are wrong.
If previous generations taught boys the wrong lessons about manhood, we can teach different ones. And if our silence has made it easier for bad behavior to continue, change can start in a very simple place.
One man being willing to look at another man and say, “Not around me. Not anymore.”
