He Just Wants To Hook Up— 12 Red Flags He Doesn’t Want To Commit To You


While we all know some men are only interested in hooking up, it’s not always as clear which men those are!

Some guys are super upfront about what they want. Others either accidentally or purposefully send mixed messages. Regardless of how he goes about expressing it, some guys are just not ready for a relationship.

It could be that he’s not in the right stage of life for a commitment. Maybe he just doesn’t like you enough to jump into a relationship. We know this is easier said than done, but don’t take that personally! It happens to everyone.

If you suspect your current crush isn’t feeling a relationship, pay attention to that doubt. Considering how easy it is to fall into the trap of self-deception, we have to be vigilant. Be honest with yourself before you end up wasting time on the wrong guy.

12 Signs He Just Wants To Hook Up

To help you avoid that exact scenario, here are the top twelve signs he only wants to hook up:

1. He’s wishy-washy with you
Haven’t we all experienced the guy who’s hot and cold? One day everything’s going great. He texts youfrequently, checks in on how your day is going and makes you feel like a priority. But the next day, all you get is a half-hearted text at 10pm. If a guy is all over the place, that’s a red flag.

When a guy is really into you, he’s dependable. He doesn’t wait until he’s run out of other things to do before replying to your text. You’ll have at least an approximate idea of how long it will take to hear from him again. Instead of acting unpredictably, he’ll be clear and consistent.

If he’s only showing interest sporadically, it probably means he just enjoys hooking up.

2. He’s more into your looks than anything else
As flattering as it is when a guy compliments your appearance, pay close attention to what other kinds of admiration he offers you. Does he also commend your personality, work ethic, or accomplishments? On that topic, does he even ask about those other aspects of your life?

Since everyone appreciates being seen by another person, it’s easy to be distracted by the physical. As women, we typically work hard on our appearances and enjoy when a man recognizes that. Appearance-driven conversations and compliments can quickly lead to an imitation of real intimacy. Deep down, though, you know that kind of talk is just surface level.

So ask yourself: Does he really see me beyond just my physical appearance?

3. He doesn’t take you on actual dates
Have your last few “dates” consisted of a lot of Netflix and chill? If all your activities reside on a couch or a bed, take note. It’s not just a sign that he’s bad at planning dates, it means he’s not even pretending to put the effort in.

Driving over to your house, or simply asking you to come over, shows zero initiative. When a guy wants to impress you, he’ll come up with ideas of fun things to do together. Even men who are not terribly creative will ask their friends or the Internet for ideas.

Sure, sometimes a night-in can be romantic and entertaining. But if all you have are nights in, then it’s a sign that you’re in a situationship rather than a real one.

4. He tells you he doesn’t want a relationship right now
Some of you are raising a skeptical eyebrow at this one. Although it seems obvious, it still needs to be said. For some reason, many women hear this statement and translate it into an entirely new one!

“I don’t want a relationship right now,” is not code for “I’m just waiting for the perfect woman to change my mind.” It also doesn’t mean that he’ll be ready next week or next month.

Instead of plotting how you’ll become the incredible woman that changes him, take his words at face value. Do you really want to have to convince a guy you’re worth a relationship? You deserve better than that, and he deserves to be taken at his word. When he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him.

5. He doesn’t try to get to know you
Next time you’re talking to him, observe the tone and direction of the conversation. What kinds of questions does he ask you? When you answer him, does he follow up to understand more clearly or just move on to another topic?

When you’re falling for someone, every detail about them is like discovering gold. You want to know when their birthday is, how they like their coffee, and what their relationship with their mother is like. Meanwhile, when you’re only here for a hookup, those more intimate details never really come up … and you don’t pay much attention when they do.

Another key factor to watch for here is when the conversation turns sexual. Does he constantly find every opportunity to bring it back to sex? There’s nothing wrong with a flirty chat, but a guy who’s serious about you will respect you enough to discuss the deeper topics, too.

6. He doesn’t introduce you to his people
Keeping you isolated from his normal circle of loved ones is a major red flag. Even if he’s only the type to visit family on special occasions, if a guy is serious about you he’ll make an effort to introduce you to them when he gets a chance. If he avoids this, there’s a reason.

In addition to the family introductions, who are his friends? What people make up his social circle? A man who sees a future for the two of you will definitely want you to meet his people. Besides wanting to see how you all get along, he’ll probably want to ask his close friends what they think.

It’s pretty endearing how a guy wants to show off the woman in his life to his loved ones. When he purposefully keeps you away from his circle, that likely means he only sees a short and casual relationship.

7. He’s still active on dating apps
It’s not an absolute rule that a guy should delete his dating apps after only a couple of dates with someone. There’s definitely some wiggle room here. But if you’ve seen each other a handful of times and he’s expressing interest in continuing, it’s worth a conversation.

All of that aside, the point here is whether he’s still active on the apps. Some guys will take the deceptive route and tell you they deleted the apps even if they haven’t. Others will be upfront about the truth that they are still looking around.

Whether or not he’s honest about the apps, if he’s still swiping, he’s not serious about you. If he views you as a casual fling, he’ll have no qualms about entertaining other prospects.

8. He openly flirts with other women
Ouch, this one stings to witness. Whether he winks at your waitress, acts a little too friendly with one of your friends, or openly hits on someone, all of this behavior is a massive warning sign.

As painful as it is to watch your crush hit on another woman, try to see it as the gift that it is. If he’s comfortable flirting with her in front of you, he’s telling you (in no uncertain terms) he’s not committed. Now that you have that information, you can move on.

By the way, flirting online counts, too. Strangely, some guys claim leaving a coy comment on a woman’s Instagram picture is innocent. It’s not. If he’s directing amorous energy to another woman, online or not, he’s definitely not devoted to your relationship.

9. He doesn’t share his true self with you
Is everything you know about him readily available to the public on his social media? Does he withdraw when you press him for more insight?

One of the most exciting parts of a new relationship is the discovery process. Once you trust someone enough to reveal the insider info, you’ve taken a big step forward. Depending on the guy, this vulnerability can be difficult. If he opens up and shares things with you he doesn’t just give out to anyone, that shows sweet confidence in you.

On the other hand, if he’s tight-lipped about what makes him unique, he probably isn’t interested in anything long term. If he doesn’t want to share about how he became the person he is today, that’s strong evidence that he doesn’t want to dig deeper with you.

10. He’s only available when he wants to hook up
An easy way to assess a man’s interest is to note both when he reaches out and what his intention is each time. Do you only hear him from late at night? If so, that’s clear-cut behavior. When you’re only on his mind as he’s getting ready to hop into bed every day, that’s a giveaway.

When you invite him to spend time with you, does he always have an excuse ready? Maybe he says he’s slammed at work or has too much on his plate right now. Everyone has hectic days, but if he’s always “too busy,” it means he’s not prioritizing you.

11. He’s selfish
It’s natural for the effort between two people in a relationship to fluctuate. Sometimes one person needs the other more, and vice versa. In a genuine relationship, both people will take turns taking the supportive stance needed.

However, in a casual relationship without long-term goals, a man will likely be more selfish. Rather than do kind things for you, he’ll expect you to make a bigger effort. He’ll ask you to come to him and request things without giving back in return.

These are just hints of emotional immaturity. It doesn’t mean he’s a “bad” guy, it just shows that he isn’t in the right frame of mind to commit. He’s more preoccupied with his own needs than on what he can offer in a partnership.

12. You feel it in your gut
If you’ve got that quiet feeling in your stomach that won’t go away, listen to your intuition. That little tingle of doubt is there to guide you. When you’re really into a guy, this can be tricky. You want to believe that the signs aren’t there and that your hesitation is unwarranted. By ignoring that feeling, you set yourself up for heartache.

When a man sees you as relationship material, he’ll make sure you know it. He’ll be attentive, reliable, and engaging. You won’t be left staring at your phone, wondering if he will contact you. When you hang out, you won’t be on guard trying to figure out if he’s only interested in making physical moves.


Again, there’s nothing wrong with a man who doesn’t want a relationship. But you deserve to know if that’s the situation. If you’re crushing on a guy and can’t figure out his intentions, run through these signs with an objective perspective. Once you analyze all these factors honestly, you’ll have your answer. As always, if you’re still in doubt, go with your gut!

In summary…

Telltale signs he only wants to hook up:

He’s wishy-washy with you
He’s more into your looks than anything else
He doesn’t take you on actual dates
He tells you he doesn’t want a relationship right now
He doesn’t try to get to know you
Doesn’t introduce you to his people
He’s still active on dating apps
Openly flirts with other women
He doesn’t share his true self with you
He’s only available when he wants to hook up
He’s selfish
You feel it in your gut

Originally Published: https://thoughtcatalog.com/sabrina-bendory/2023/05/he-just-wants-to-hook-up/