The Difference Between Good and Great Sex

By Shani Jones
Certified Sex Coach


What is your Sexual Response Cycle? Well, our bodies go through four distinct phases during sex known as the Sexual Response Cycle (SRC). You experience it each time whether you engage in solo or partner play. When you tune into it and actively listen to your body and how you respond, either positively or negatively to what’s being done, you can make adjustments to enhance sexual pleasure. The SRC is the same for men and women however men tend to experience it linearly, straight through the phases, while women circularly, go back and forth between phases.


Phase 1 – Excitement

Excitement is the initial physiological response to the thought of having sex. The male penis and female vagina become engorged with blood, the female becomes wet with natural lubricant, her breasts become full and her nipples get erect. Sexual energy begins to build up and you start to anticipate sexual pleasure.

How do you enter the excitement phase? There need to be triggers. Some people always seem ready and, in the mood, but if you aren’t one of those people and perhaps in a relationship with one of those people it is important to work together to get on the same page. There’s a term called Uneven Desire (UD), which is basically not being in a sexual mood at the same time, that impacts a lot of sexless couples. The fastest way to move from No to Go is touch.

Touch, especially sensual touch, can create a stirring of sexual desire. Try a variety of touch like kissing different parts of the body. Although getting/giving head is the most direct route don’t forget about lips, neck, shoulders, thighs, butt and feet. Any part of the body can be an erogenous zone and yet the biggest one…, not his penis. It’s your brain. Try being spontaneous and give a deep kiss out of the blue or setting the atmosphere with music and candles. Try changing the scenery and play with your exhibitionist side. Once the fire is lit it’s usually good to go.

Phase 2 – Plateau

The Plateau Phase is deep arousal that happens during the act of sex. It’s the reaction to being penetrated whether it be vaginal, anal or oral. This is when all the pleasure sensors in the brain start to really get going. During this phase really pay attention to what physically feels good in your body. Do you like it rough or soft or a little bit of both? Did you know that during sex the brain interprets pain and pleasure the same way? Now we understand why so many people are into BDSM….but I digress. Although there are only three basic positions (missionary, doggy-style, and riding) there is a lot of variation that can be incorporated. Some you may be able to do on your own and other you may need assistance. There are a number of good pullies, ties and restraints on the market as will as body wedges that can help align you in the right positions. Don’t forget the lubricants. They come in different bases, flavors and sensation type. Do your homework first and if possible shop with your partner. If you have questions you can always reach out to me and if you are in the DC area make it a date night and check out Harts Desires; Shani Hart is a Black, female Entrepreneur who own two upscale adult stores in the DMV so PLEASE check her out!!!

Phase 3 – Orgasm

This is the phase we’ve been waiting for. Orgasm is the release of all the sexual energy that has been building up. Some of us try and contain it until we can’t hold it in anymore and then we literally explode…. or do we? First, let’s make a distinction. An orgasm is not the same as ejaculation. Orgasm is the release of energy while ejaculation is the release of bodily fluid. In both cases the degree of the explosion depends on a variety of factors and can be unbelievably hard to achieve for a lot of women. Orgasm requires mental and physical stimulation and in some cases all the stars in the sky to align. According to some studies about 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone -- that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. Preorgasmic Primary is when women cannot reach orgasm with a partner and Preorgasmic Secondary is when women can achieve orgasm through masturbation but not with a partner. If you have trouble reaching orgasm masturbate as often as possible. The better you know how your body responds to sexual pleasure the easier it becomes, and you can share what you’ve learned with your partner.

Clitoral stimulation is very important for female orgasm. Did you know the clitoris is the only part of the body created exclusively for sexual pleasure? Well now you know. When the moment comes give into it. Breathe, moan, relax and let go… and if it feels a little extra wet don’t worry. It’s just ejaculation. Women squirt too!

Phase 4 – Resolution

This is the refractory phase where our bodies return to our normal state. What you do in this phase varies. Some people fall asleep and others get a burst of energy and like to exercise or do something active. Cuddling can increase intimacy and lead to round two.

These four phases make up the Sexual Response Cycle. Getting to know your body, what works and what doesn’t during each of the phases will enhance your sexual experience guaranteed. There are many tools and techniques that can be applied to help the process and working with a sex coach, like myself, can help.

Originally Published Here