How Insecurities Kill Sex and Relationships

Beautiful Machine is proud to present our newest monthly feature: Do You Know The New Kinky You? A feature by Shani Jones, Certified Sex Coach. This Month Shani breaks down insecurities and how they can kill sex and your relationships... you're going to want to read this!


By Shani Jones
Certified Sex Coach

Every relationship has challenges however insecurity can ruin your relationship and sex life in more ways than one. Insecurity isn't rational. It's an internal feeling based on things in our heads. That's not to say that most of us don't have some insecurities. How we deal with them is the key. As a Certified Sex Coach, I’ve talked to clients about various things that can negatively impact us. Here we are going to talk about some of the ones I feel are most common.

Most of us can find something we want to change about our bodies. When we look in the mirror the reflection isn’t what you want to see. At times we start to believe that our partner sees what we see and most of the time that's just not the case. We let negative self-reflection influence our sexy. You may be uncomfortable having sex with the lights on, in front of a mirror or on camera or stick to certain positions because they are easier. You may even start to believe your partner wants someone different and they aren’t attracted to you. If you aren’t comfortable with the image you see then work to change it. If your partner is actually negative about your physical attributes then you should question whether that is a relationship you want to be in. The answer is it shouldn’t.

Sometimes we feel that we are unworthy or incapable of love. Perhaps you've had a string of unsuccessful relationships and you don't really understand why. You may even start to question what's wrong with you and that's honestly not a dumb question. But it's not about what is wrong with you. It's about what energy you're putting out to attract the people that you end up dating. Think about common characteristics in past partners, where you feel things started to go wrong in those relationships and then start to think about how you can change things within yourself to avoid the same pitfalls. Change the energy that you put out as part of the laws of attraction so they work in your favor and help you find someone that is truly suitable for you.

When you're in a relationship and you don't feel loved even when your partner professes love you have to ask yourself why don't you believe them. Here we could talk about the 5 love languages. Perhaps you need to be told that you're attractive and sexy and your partner wants to have sex with you then you need Words of Affirmation. Perhaps your love language is Physical Touch but if you have insecurities about a specific part of your body there may be apprehension when your partner attempts to touch you there. Love languages is about understanding yours and your partners and both of you working to cater to the other. Misunderstandings and miscommunication can create insecurities because we don’t understand what we or our partners need.

Insecurity is often projected. You may find that you are often accused of actions or behaviors that are unfounded and no one likes to be falsely accused. Although it's not perfect, even in the justice system there is the concept of innocent until proven guilty. When people convince themselves of a truth there's oftentimes not a lot we can do to convince them otherwise, unless they want to fix things, which often means admitting their own wrong doing. Think about the lyrics to Spotlight by Jennifer Hudson, Insecure by Jazmine Sullivan or Truth Hurts by Usher. Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships where things aren’t right and it has nothing to do with anything we’ve done.

Now what happens when these insecurities consistently surface and constant reassurance is a band aid. This can start to wear on you as an individual and as a couple. A lot of times, especially in the longer term relationships, we've made certain investments and it's difficult to let them go. Maybe you have kids, share a home or business. You still remember a time when you felt love and when the sex was new, great and exciting. What you find is that these insecurities add unnecessary stress to your relationship especially when one person is feeling the bulk of the negative energy. When this happens, arguments persist and the things you argue about become more trivial. Sex becomes part of a routine rather than something you look forward to. It can create a divide that can feel insurmountable.

Here are a few of the signs that insecurity can be impacting the success of your relationship:

● If there is a constant fear of losing your partner you have to ask yourself why you feel that way.

● If there is a consuming jealousy where one person is jealous of any relationship or spending time with someone other than your partner causes issue you have to ask yourself why.

● In the world we live in today's cell phones and emails are all password protected. If there is a need to demand access to your partners information there may be some insecurities. A lot of times people don't mind sharing that information but when it becomes a requirement you have to ask yourself why.

● Constantly checking your partner's social media. Now if you guys are into a lot of couple’s pictures and posts that's one thing but if you're checking to see who is commenting or liking their pictures or checking to see which posts they're following this could be a sign of insecurity

● If there's any level of paranoia or disbelief about your partner's whereabouts this is likely a sign of insecurity, it's also a sign of a lack of trust. If you ever believe your partner isn't where they say they are or who they say there with you have to ask yourself why.

If you recognize any of these issues in your relationship, don't be afraid to take the first steps to change things for the better. Trust yourself and know you deserve to be happy.

Follow Shani @doyouknky